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from Kaylee Page this morning for you, mammas…

blessings to you and yours today

To you, mommas who face foreign lands daily:

Details aside, it’s been a long week.

And so….My mom (bless her heart!), came up to spend the weekend with me as my husband travels to Israel for his MBA study abroad. Her car was parked behind mine so when needing to run an errand I hopped in her car and heard:

Hold on… to me as we go

As we roll down this unfamiliar road

And although this wave is stringing us along

Just know you’re not alone…Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it’ll all be clear

Don’t pay no mind to the demons, They fill you with fear

The trouble it might drag you down

If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone….Cause I’m going to make this place your home

I wept. The entire way to the store. (Granted, this is only 2 miles).  But still. I wept.

I’m going to make this place your home. For several years now I have had this deep longing for home, for even a glimpse or sense of home.

Foreign land. That’s where I hang out these days (these years!). In a very foreign land. It’s not all due to being a mom of a daughter with special dietary needs.  Some of it does. Not all though. Life as an adult continuously changes — I grew up in the same home from age 2-18. In the past 10 years I’ve lived in 10 different homes, gotten married, had a baby, changed jobs, my husband changed jobs (he also spent 18 months getting his MBA – which was change to our routine) and we’ve found a new church. Then a miscarriage. Then progesterone to try to get pregnant. Then no baby. And the day to day of caring for Bella and the special ways she needs to eat.

As a kid, home was all around me. Things didn’t change much back then. But things change all the time these days!

And it’s hard for me to find home. IT ALL FEELS SO FOREIGN.

I feel like time is passing but I’m not anywhere to be found – at least not fully found. I’m ok. It’s just that I’m just blowing around in the wind.  And as I blow around it’s all dusty, dry and unclear.  I don’t know the upside from the downside, no idea where the ground is to place my feet, no idea how to look up, no idea how long I’ve been blowing around and no idea when this wind blowing me will cease.

I’ve wished and prayed the fog would lift, that I could just make sense of it all and move on into the next season – IMMA LEAVE THIS HARD SEASON BEHIND.

But…I keep waiting for the next season.  I want the next season, because this season doesn’t make sense. This season has me confused. OYE! THIS SEASON ISN’T PART OF MY PLAN…

So I want to be somewhere where it does make sense and I get to write the story.

Please & Thanks!

As I wept… in the quiet of my heart, God assured and reassured me that this place I find myself…. It, too, can be home.  So of course, I wept some more. Grief went all up on me and got itself some hope.

And through wet cheeks I (for some reason, because I am really bad at recalling Biblical folks who’ve trenched the roads and navigated the journey before us) thought of other women (and an animal?) who have faced the challenge of venturing and living in a foreign land:

How not to find home: Sarah (Lot’s wife)… she so badly wanted to feel home that she turned around (poor thing turned to salt!)  Lesson noted, God. He calls us to stop looking back, stop looking for what it is we want, but look to where He has lead and where he is leading. He calls us to his presence where home resides.  We seek him, lest we turn to a PILE. OF. SALT.

How to find home:  Ruth (eventual wife of Boaz)…. shows ultimate family loyalty which results in her leaving home.  Lands her in a totally foreign place. Eventually she winds up wed to Boaz, but instead of running from where she is supposed to be, she endures it. It was probably difficult, confusing, and most-certainly uncertain.  But she sticks it out. She even proactively does what she can, then waits on God for the rest. She found home in an unfamiliar land.

How home finds us:  The sheep…. We’re told the Shepherd leaves 99 to find 1. We’re not told why the sheep “wanders” off.  I think the church usually plays it up like the sheep ran away like a bandit, in complete defiance of the Shepherd. But what if the sheep just got lost – plain lost. And we always imagine the sheep hanging over a cliff with the Shepherd quickly saving it’s life with a candycane shaped staff. While that’s true in some journeys, I wonder if sometimes the Shepherd is okay with a sheep being away from the herd for a bit – maybe it’s necessary? I don’t know.  WHO KNOWS! Maybe there are countless reasons and maybe those reasons don’t even all make sense to us as the sheep. All we know is that if a sheep gets lost, it will be found… and it’s found in the presence of the Shepherd, not the location of the sheep.

Home. It’s where our heart is. Home isn’t found in routine, certainty, and familiarity (though we try really hard to make this home).  Home is found in the determination to stick it out and in the believing in the unbelievable, and trusting that the unanswerable will be made clear (or survivable) and that if nothing changes the way we want it to, that our God is for us and with us. With us on the journey leaving home behind (like Sarah), with us as we work our foreign fields of life (like Ruth) and in those moments where we are lost (or maybe it’s just we can’t tell anyone where we are).  

We can be home.

Home can be in the fog. 

Home can be in the uncertain. 

To those of you feeling lost and a bit blurry —- Welcome home!

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