There are days on this journey of special needs motherhood that my heart is plagued by worries and doubts.
My daughter is almost nine, but my mind is still flooded with memories from the early years of her life. As I think back on those years, guilt washes over me and I begin to question what I could have done differently.
What if I’d known this? Or done that? Are thoughts that replay often in my mind.
I feel as if I’ve been learning as I go.
And I have.
Because no one handed me a manual explaining how it was going to be, mapping out the path I was supposed to follow.
But there was always Someone, guiding every step.
Looking back I ponder Questions plague my heart Did I fight my hardest Did I do my part? The days in the beginning Have grown into a blur “What ifs” and “should haves” Make me feel unsure Dwelling on the past Causes too much pain If I could start over Would I do the same? But hindsight’s twenty-twenty When viewing from today Through worries of tomorrow Doubts also try to sway It’s dangerous to wallow Allowing fears to win Because it’s now we’re living Not in the might have been And then I pause to thank Him For leading all the way He’s guided every moment Of every yesterday
“This is what the LORD says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.” Isaiah 48:17
Rachel is a child of God, blessed wife and stay-at-home mom to three, the oldest of whom has a variety of needs surrounding her visual impairment (resulting from her severe prematurity) and mild intellectual disability. She blogs at This Journey Our Life, to share her personal journey of special needs parenting, encouraging others who find themselves on a similar path.